Tag Archives: love

13 Awesome Ways to Avoid Intimacy in a Relationship

      1. Stay extremely busy. Oh my gosh, don’t spend time with your partner. Always make sure you don’t have time to sit, be present, or share. Or if you do, don’t really “be” there. Make sure your mind is so busy and full that there is no room for anything else. Focus on getting a lot of things done and done well. Projects are way more important than people.
        BONUS: If you can sacrifice yourself in the process, maybe you can make the other person feel guilty for complaining about your lack of presence.
      2. Judge your partner. Whether it is out loud or silently to yourself, make sure you find and highlight their faults. Try making a list. This will justify you avoiding them and also justify avoiding intimacy. It also validates your superiority. If you are above them, you totally don’t need to be intimate.
      3. Remember everyone else needs to change. Don’t accept your partner for who they are. Easily see their faults and make sure to highlight them. Then make sure they feel bad for them, otherwise what’s the point?
      4. Stay self-absorbed. It doesn’t matter that you’re in a relationship. Everything is still about you and will always be about you. Your needs, challenges, interests, and thoughts are far more important than anyone else’s.
      5. Don’t trust. Everyone is untrustworthy until proven otherwise. Especially your partner.
      6. Be dishonest or silent. Don’t be honest, that’s lame. Speak everything but the truth. That door is meant to stay closed.
      7. Do not express your needs and feelings. Similar to #6. If you don’t express your needs and feelings, it’s so much easier to blame others for not meeting or appreciating them.
        BONUS: when your partner shares their innermost feelings with you, brush them off or joke about them.
      8. Do not listen. And even if you do listen, don’t really hear or think about what your partner is saying. Just wait for a break so you can keep talking about whatever it is that you want to talk about. Avoid validating their perspective at all costs.
      9. Do not respect your partner. And make sure your behavior toward your partner does not warrant respect either.
      10. Retain all the power. You are more important than your partner. You are smarter, and you have so much more important information to share, so of course you deserve to have the platform and control all the time.
        BONUS: try playing the martyr or victim. These roles give you an entirely different level of power.
      11. Argue for fun. You don’t need to resolve anything. You just need to get your point across and/or cause distress to your partner.
        BONUS: Make sure you are sure you are angry first, and inflict emotional pain.
      12. No touching. Physical touch is far too intimate. Just don’t do it.
      13. SPECIAL BONUS: Share this list with your partner with the intent to judge or shame them.

 

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The thing we want most is also the thing we are most afraid of.

A collection of love thoughts, by you

I actually started this post last week but didn’t publish it.  I have been pondering the topic of love for years, and it has increased in intensity the past year or so. I know I already wrote one blog post related to it (bajillion waterfalls). But I am still thinking about love…and I’ll probably be thinking about it for a long time.
These are the questions that have been swirling around in my mind:

What is love?
What is being “in love”?
How do you know?

So, I have been asking people and collecting answers for awhile now. Here is a summary of what you all have said:

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”  -Robert Heinlein

“1. The ability to be yourself with that person, on all levels, even at your craziest, saddest and silliest.
2. Having the feeling that no one else in the world would understand just how you feel about this person.
3. Like every moment with them makes you want to sing (and quite possibly you do sing!)
” – Sara

“I think of it as seeing yourself spending forever with one particular person, them being the first person you think of when you wake up and the last person you think of when you go to bed. The person you want to share all your happy thoughts with and all of your sad ones.” – Sam

“Love spells T-I-M-E” – Ben

“I believe being in love is wanting to give and give and give more.” – Kristie

“I think when you’re in love you can see the flaws in the person but it seems totally inconsequential because everything else is so great. (Blinded by love)” – Kristie

“The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

“When the happiness of your one beloved is more important to you than your own.” – Morgan

“When there are little to no barriers to emotional intimacy.” – Katie

“What my marriage taught me is that real love is only what you give. That’s all. Love is not “out there” waiting for you. It is in you. In your own heart, in what you are willing to give of it. We are all capable of love, but few of us have the courage to do it properly. You can take a person’s love and waste it. But you are the fool. When you give love, it grows and flowers inside you like a carefully pruned rose. Love is joy. Those who love, no matter what indignities, what burdens they carry, are always full of joy.” – from Recipes for a Perfect Marriage, p. 281


I read a great article recently. In it, the author highlighted some “love myths” that we’ve all heard:

Her replies to these myths:

  • Doubt is a sign that you’re an introspective, thoughtful, intelligent person considering making a lifetime commitment. As Bertrand Russell said, “The trouble with the world is that the stupid are so confident while the intelligent are full of doubt.” And with a bit more softness Tara Brach says, “Like investigation, healthy doubt arises from the urge to know what is true — it challenges assumptions or the status quo in service of healing and freedom. In contrast, unhealthy doubt arises from fear or aversion, and it questions one’s own basic potential or worth, or the value of another.”
  • …love is not only a feeling; it’s a choice, a commitment, and an intention. When you commit to learning about what it means to give and receive love in an intimate way, you will…experience the feelings that we normally associate with love.

Full article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheryl-paul/what-does-it-mean-to-be-i_b_3531407.html

Thanks to everyone for their input. Please leave a comment if you have any more thoughts!

The Land of a Bajillion Waterfalls

My plan was to take a million beautiful pictures at Silver Falls so that all of you can see and appreciate the absolutely gorgeous state that I live in. But the camera I have been using decided to mysteriously stop working. :/ Let me tell you though – it was a great day. Breathtaking scenery, wonderful earthy smells, mud on my clothes. Here are some pictures from the iPhone.
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Me: “Seriously? Look at this. Do you see this?”

The majesty of the falls, and so many in one location…and the green! This land is so lush. I live in an Eden, and I am so grateful to be able to enjoy it.

On to my topic of pondering this last week. I was thinking about love again. I tend to think about that a lot: Self-love. Love of nature. Love for mankind. Love for living things. Everyone wants love, right? Sometimes we want it so much that we either demand it (which tends to push it further from us) or we forget to give it away. And by give it away, I mean give away selflessly with no hidden agenda, or strings attached… not expecting in a critical way or demanding things in return. Just love for the sake of loving another person for who they are.

I think when a person is brooding, frustrated, depressed, angsty or self-involved, though they might be desperate for love, these things tend to hinder their ability to accept it into their lives. Here’s my advice (which I am giving to myself as well);

1) Love and accept yourself. Take care of yourself the way you would want someone else to take care of you. Be more gentle, patient and forgiving with yourself. I believe when you are centered and accepting of who you are, you will attract someone who will also accept you for who you are, and you will also have a greater capacity to love someone else. You’ve probably heard this before.

2) Relax. Let go. It’s ok. Accept what is now. Accept whatever the universe has in store, and that there are good things coming. Also believe that it already exists. Remove yourself from this moment in time and look at all of time from a distance, in one big chunk. See? From that perspective, it already exists.
“But what if it doesn’t exist, ever?” you ask yourself. Well, I think it’s partially our choice. We can close ourselves off to it if we want. We can stay stuck. We can be afraid. We can let insecurities hold us back. Or we can be open and patient.

In a way, we generate our own love by giving it to ourselves and by giving it away…because then we have a greater capacity to accept it, and more love will be able to come into our lives. That’s what I think.

p.s. I hiked over 8 miles up and down crazy paths and my legs are pretty upset with me today. But it was sooo worth it!! I’m going again!

Disclaimer: Katie D is not a professional love expert. This site is not designed to and does not provide professional love advice, diagnosis, opinion, treatment or services to you or to any other individual. Through this site and linkages to other sites, I provide general information for educational purposes only.

When I’m sixty-four

Snowed in today. My car hates this kind of weather and it reminds me every time I attempt to drive in it. Or maybe it’s my tires that hate it. Or maybe I just hate it? /gazes off into oblivion, lost in thought
In any case, I’m staying put. Thankfully, I have plenty to do here (new job!!!).

The title is because the song is stuck in my head. It does relate to my topic. Kinda.

I had an interesting experience whilst unemployed. I was a full-time student for years, preparing to finish school. Suddenly, I was a graduate with a lot less to do. Even though I knew it was coming, it was a surprisingly uncomfortable place to be. But not just because I didn’t have a job. It had more to do with how I define myself.

I had based my identity and general sense of worth on being a good student, on being busy, multitasking. That’s not a bad thing. I think it’s good to appreciate one’s abilities. But when those were suddenly gone, I grappled with the idea of being ok without them.

This was a good space to be in, because it forced me to accept me without those things. What if my skills were taken away? What if I could never use them again? What if I was limited in the way I creatively express myself? What if I lost the use of my hands? What if I lost my sight? Take away any of those things that can be taken away. What is left?
Am I still ok? Am I still lovable?

Darn right I am.

And so are you.
Because what IS left? What is the most lasting ability we can have? I really don’t want to make this all cheesy, buuuut it’s pretty much love.
Here’s a little sketch I did just for you, to prove my point. Thanks for backing me up, John.
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p.s. when I was a kid, I thought the words to that Beatles song were “when I’m six feet four”…yeah. That’s not happening.