Ever feel like you have dug yourself a hole (with words), but you can’t stop talking and you just keep digging that hole deeper and deeper? To the point where you can’t remember why you started digging it to begin with? Then you get all turned around and don’t know how to get out?
I think humans (and by humans, I mean me…) are really good at confusing themselves when strong emotions are involved. The more confused we are, the less likely we are to have to reach a conclusion. This subconscious tactic seems to be most often used when either possible conclusion is scary.
Clarity can be elusive. Life can be scary. I don’t like that. Every time I think I’ve kicked fear in the teeth, it resurfaces with a new face. And sometimes I feel like people draw me out of the hole just to wound me. Thus, the nice warm, safe hole in the ground.
So my conclusion is…I don’t have one. And that’s how it is sometimes. I’ma just stay in this hole until there’s a good reason to come out. Ha.
…and yes I’m aware this is not the first time I’ve blogged about hiding in holes. So what. Maybe I like the dirt:
I’ve been meaning to blog for some time. Thoughts come flitting in and out of my mind constantly, but I never seem to be near my computer when that happens. But here I am, sitting at my computer. So I have no excuse.
What is on my mind? This.
I have been thinking about insecurities all day. I don’t like to admit I have them (who does?). I do just fine in my everyday life, thank you very much, being all independent and Katie-like. Then once in awhile out of the blue, something unexpected, and sometimes un-pinpointable (that’s not a word but I don’t care) will test it and voila – there they are. And then I spend some time struggling with their existence.
Insecurities are like when an animal hears a particular noise and associates it with something scary. From that point on, their fight-or-flight mode is likely to be triggered by the same noise, whether there is a real threat or not. So it is with humans, sometimes. I have found that it takes a conscious training to undo this type of ingrained reaction.
Stupid subconscious insecurities that randomly make themselves known at inconvenient times, I think to myself.
Haha, but I just laughed, because when is it ever convenient? And actually, the point they appear is most likely the point they are meant to appear. Because that is how it is. Thanks, Universe.
My plan was to take a million beautiful pictures at Silver Falls so that all of you can see and appreciate the absolutely gorgeous state that I live in. But the camera I have been using decided to mysteriously stop working. Let me tell you though – it was a great day. Breathtaking scenery, wonderful earthy smells, mud on my clothes. Here are some pictures from the iPhone.
The majesty of the falls, and so many in one location…and the green! This land is so lush. I live in an Eden, and I am so grateful to be able to enjoy it.
On to my topic of pondering this last week. I was thinking about love again. I tend to think about that a lot: Self-love. Love of nature. Love for mankind. Love for living things. Everyone wants love, right? Sometimes we want it so much that we either demand it (which tends to push it further from us) or we forget to give it away. And by give it away, I mean give away selflessly with no hidden agenda, or strings attached… not expecting in a critical way or demanding things in return. Just love for the sake of loving another person for who they are.
I think when a person is brooding, frustrated, depressed, angsty or self-involved, though they might be desperate for love, these things tend to hinder their ability to accept it into their lives. Here’s my advice (which I am giving to myself as well);
1) Love and accept yourself. Take care of yourself the way you would want someone else to take care of you. Be more gentle, patient and forgiving with yourself. I believe when you are centered and accepting of who you are, you will attract someone who will also accept you for who you are, and you will also have a greater capacity to love someone else. You’ve probably heard this before.
2) Relax. Let go. It’s ok. Accept what is now. Accept whatever the universe has in store, and that there are good things coming. Also believe that it already exists. Remove yourself from this moment in time and look at all of time from a distance, in one big chunk. See? From that perspective, it already exists.
“But what if it doesn’t exist, ever?” you ask yourself. Well, I think it’s partially our choice. We can close ourselves off to it if we want. We can stay stuck. We can be afraid. We can let insecurities hold us back. Or we can be open and patient.
In a way, we generate our own love by giving it to ourselves and by giving it away…because then we have a greater capacity to accept it, and more love will be able to come into our lives. That’s what I think.
p.s. I hiked over 8 miles up and down crazy paths and my legs are pretty upset with me today. But it was sooo worth it!! I’m going again!
Disclaimer: Katie D is not a professional love expert. This site is not designed to and does not provide professional love advice, diagnosis, opinion, treatment or services to you or to any other individual. Through this site and linkages to other sites, I provide general information for educational purposes only.