The squishy pillow nest exercise

My last blog post generated a lot of feedback. Most people laughed (which is what I did as I wrote it), but in addition, it also rings a little bell of truth within us because we can relate on some level…either in a past experience with another person or within ourselves, or both. Right?

A friend asked today, “Do you ever post about happy things?” and I got to thinking…

…and that’s the point: I think a lot about things! Probably too much. I am the over-analyzation queen. I like to dismantle and analyze the parts of Why about myself and about everyone and everything. Im sure I have some more positive/encouraging posts on this blog (try the blog post on courage: https://thisiskatied.wordpress.com/2014/10/09/sounds-like-truth-and-feels-like-courage/.) But I mostly use this blog as a way to sort out those feelings or express things I have been thinking about for a long time (and no, the last post was not about anyone in particular, it was just a tongue-in-cheek satire about people in general, me included).

I write to put ideas out there for people to chew on…you know, food for thought. Humanity has a lot to be celebrated but we are also always a work in progress and that progress fascinates me.¬†Also, writing is just therapeutic for me. ūüôā

I have been divorced for 6 or 7 years and have had several relationships since…so, naturally, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how relationships work, and what makes up a healthy relationship. And what makes people tick.

I used to bemoan my less-than-ideal dating roller coaster history. But it’s also taught me a ton. I have found out by trial and error what *doesn’t make a healthy relationship, and what are sure fire ways to detract from closeness or intimacy. I have learned a lot about myself in the process too, and what drives my reactions and behaviors, and what I can improve.

But in conclusion, I am content and happy with my life! Of course I have off days once in awhile, but who doesn’t? I practice gratitude every day and there is a lot to be grateful for. I have two amazing kids, a very supportive partner, a comfortable place to live, a great job, and a huge network of love and support. And a comfortable bed…I love my bed…I am enjoying it right now and typing this blog post from within my pillow nest.

Speaking if which, it’s really hard to be grateful and upset at the same time. (And really hard to be upset in the middle of a squishy pillow nest). So practicing gratitude is a great way to reframe and rewire your brain for happiness. I have been focusing on this a lot recently.

What are you enjoying right now? What are you grateful for? If you’re having trouble coming up with something, start a list. What would you have on yours?

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13 Awesome Ways to Avoid Intimacy in a Relationship

      1. Stay extremely¬†busy.¬†Oh my gosh, don’t spend time with your partner. Always make sure you don’t have time to sit, be present, or¬†share. Or if you do, don’t really “be” there. Make sure your mind is so busy and full that there is no room for anything else. Focus on getting a lot of things done and done well.¬†Projects are way¬†more important than people.
        BONUS: If you can sacrifice yourself in the process, maybe you can make the other person feel guilty for complaining about your lack of presence.
      2. Judge your partner.¬†Whether it is out loud or silently to yourself, make sure you find and highlight¬†their faults. Try making a list. This will justify you¬†avoiding them and also justify avoiding intimacy.¬†It also validates your superiority. If¬†you¬†are above them, you totally don’t need to be intimate.
      3. Remember everyone else needs to change.¬†Don’t accept your partner¬†for who they are. Easily see their faults¬†and make sure to highlight them. Then make sure they feel bad for them, otherwise what’s the point?
      4. Stay self-absorbed.¬†It doesn’t matter that you’re in a relationship. Everything is still about¬†you and will always be about you. Your needs, challenges, interests, and thoughts are far more important than anyone else’s.
      5. Don’t¬†trust.¬†Everyone is untrustworthy until proven otherwise. Especially your partner.
      6. Be¬†dishonest or silent.¬†Don’t be honest, that’s lame. Speak everything but the truth.¬†That door is meant to stay closed.
      7. Do not express your needs and feelings. Similar to #6. If you don’t express your needs and feelings, it’s so much easier to blame others for not meeting or appreciating them.
        BONUS: when your partner shares their innermost feelings with you, brush them off or joke about them.
      8. Do not listen.¬†And even if you do listen, don’t really hear or think about what your partner is saying. Just wait for a break so you can keep talking about whatever it is that you want to talk about. Avoid validating their perspective at all costs.
      9. Do not respect your partner. And make sure your behavior toward your partner does not warrant respect either.
      10. Retain all the power. You are more important than your partner. You are smarter, and you have so much more important information to share, so of course you deserve to have the platform and control all the time.
        BONUS: try playing the martyr or victim. These roles give you an entirely different level of power.
      11. Argue for fun. You don’t need to resolve anything. You just need to get your point across and/or cause distress to your partner.
        BONUS: Make sure you are sure you are angry first, and inflict emotional pain.
      12. No touching.¬†Physical touch is far too intimate. Just don’t do it.
      13. SPECIAL BONUS: Share this list with your partner with the intent to judge or shame them.

 

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The thing we want most is also the thing we are most afraid of.