Last night I had a smorgasbord of feels. (Yes, I actually had to look up how to spell that word.)
I tend to spend a long time collecting information, experiencing, dissecting and assembling, and then eventually it all bubbles to the surface as a [semi] complete thought. Although I went to bed at 9:30 (I know, I know…) last night my brain had the timely audacity to choose 10pm-12am to do its bubbling.
In the tangles of blankets that were too restrictive, and pajamas that were too heavy, I found myself reviewing the past 10 years or so, spending most of my energy systematically picking apart the last 5 years of dating.
I categorized negative events I don’t want to repeat or experience again, and singled out parts that I want to assimilate into my future. Being at this age and stage (30-something and single with two chilluns) I think about this kind of thing a lot. While pondering, I also noticed that I go through cycles of “Katie the Hermit” and “Dating Flurry” with sometimes a rare moderate dating period in between.
I have found myself thinking things like,
“I don’t need to date.” (which is technically true, I don’t)
“I’ll just be single the rest of my life, that’s ok. I’m independent and I do well on my own.”
Which is not really a feasible concept if I want to find love and companionship. Which of course I do. Don’t most people want that?
So the Almosts and Mishaps have shaped me and helped solidify in my mind what I don’t want…therefore it has helped flesh out, via negative space, what I DO want.
this caused me to think about the the difference between allowing something to be created/decided by way of happenstance…and actually taking action and creating it myself.
So I ask myself again “What do you want? How are you going to get there? What goals are you going to set?”
Yes, once in awhile I get entrenched in a sea of feels and I wade around in the receding tide for awhile…and then I come around to the fact that I have power and I can create my own life and love and good vibes.
The phrase: “Don’t like it? Change it. Or change your attitude.” always seemed so bossy and smirky to me…but in reality it’s an extremely empowering statement. You are in charge of your life! Take the reins and start steering.